big feelings

I may have been casually playing with a water valve near a peaceful dam when I requested EMDR at a therapy session last week Monday.

On Tuesday, the pressure rushed through my veins and began expanding thoughts like water balloons.

Then someone else’s trauma bumped up against the thin surface. Big feelings gushed out. “I’m very frustrated because . . . “ I began.

The response, “I am very frustrated at you.”

“To clarify. You are frustrated with me?”

“Yes.”

Later in the day, I got in a kayak and paddled my way through the rest of the day. I navigated the white water by being deliberately polite. Paddling carefully, steadying myself to avoid the jutting rocks.

That evening, I called a friend who has lived on a “flood plain” where storms come in cycles. The clean up after a violent weather event is inevitable. Over the years, we have provided shelter for each other through wild winds and heavy precipitation.

The morning I woke up to face the person again, the gail force wind whipped up even stronger than it had been.

Yoga stances and stretches felt like attempting to wrap myself in a FEMA foil blanket. Meditation provided a flimsy storm shelter. Prayer like an umbrella blown inside out—anger at its promise and apparent betrayal when overwhelmed.

I told myself the person was probably just as nervous to interact.

Upon arrival, I noticed what appeared to be a careless oversight. My blood ran cold.

The aftermath included downed power lines and cell towers. My communication cut short, intended to disengage.

Today, the rain gutter is receding. Pressure is released in jagged breathing — echoes of a childhood sob.